Alison's Gift

When my sister-in-law had terminal-stage breast cancer, she and my brother read a book that changed their lives.

Alison’s Gift is the true story of a seven-year old killed by an air bag in a slow-speed collision. Her mother, Beth Knox, knew that when Alison was disconnected from life-support, she did not want a mortician to take charge. She wanted to bring Alison home, continue caring for her, share her grief, and give Alison’s brothers, grandparents, and friends time to say goodbye.

The hospital said it could not release Alison to her mother’s care. They eventually allowed an undertaker to transport the body home. As Beth learned later, the hospital was wrong; she had the legal right to take Alison home in the van in which she had driven her daughter to school each day.

For the next three days, Alison lay on her own bed. Friends and family members talked and sang to her, prayed and meditated, or just sat quietly, saying goodbye. Several of Alison’s Waldorf School classmates came, and even though some parents were apprehensive about letting them see a body, the children seemed quite comfortable. Spending time with their friend, far from being frightening or creepy, allowed them so experience death as a real and normal part of life.

As a result of this experience, Beth founded Crossings: Caring for Our Own at Death, a national non-profit educational organization. In workshops around the country, she teaches people how to care for a body at home, choose a final resting place, and understand the applicable laws in each state. (For a 3-minute Frontline You Tube story on home funerals featuring Beth Knox, click here.)

Just as the home birth movement has given families more control over birth, the home death movement, which Beth helped found, encourages families to take more control over the other big transition, returning death care to its rightful place as a last sacred family act of love.

My brother and sister-in-law, Bill and Diane Manahan, liked this idea. They ordered a home funeral kit from Crossings. In addition to instructions for after-death care, the kit contained essential oil of lavender for washing the body, a length of white silk cloth to drape over it, and candles. (Although this kit is no longer sold, a Handbook for Home Funeral Care is available for purchase or as a free pdf download at http://www.crossings.com/.)

My spouse Becky Bohan and I were with Diane when she died. I helped bathe and dress her body, hold a vigil, accompany her body to the crematorium, and bring her ashes back home for her life celebration three days later. Becky had a mystical experience at the moment of Diane's death and a joyful visit from Diane several hours later. These profound experiences led us to write Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully: A Journey with Cancer and Beyond, which has won six regional and national book awards and affected readers in ways similar to the impact Alison’s Gift had on our family.

Last month, when Becky and I were in Maryland, we spent an afternoon with Alison's mother. We liked Beth Knox immensely. She is an ideal home funeral educator -- warm, practical, visionary, and passionate about the environment. She told us about the remarkable deaths last year of her mother and her husband’s father, who died peacefully at home, and who requested and received a home funeral.

Following Beth’s lead, our local Minnesota Threshold Network offered a free public information session on home deaths and green, eco-friendly burials in Minneapolis this month. Resources, including Alison’s Gift, were available.

If readers of this blog know of someone who is interested in caring for their own at death, please extend an invitation to read this inspiring book, join the Crossings listserv, and learn from the experiences of Alison and her extraordinary mother.

Nancy

Darien, Darius, and Floyd

Amazing stories are bubbling up from readers of Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully. On Christmas Eve Nancy & I had the honor of being interviewed on All About You, the blog radio show of Darien Marshall and Darius Jones from Philadelphia. As the program neared the end (you can listen to it here), our hosts told us about their friend Floyd who had suffered a stroke. They encouraged Floyd to read the book, and he was so inspired by Diane’s journey that he has started a support group for people with strokes, much as Diane had started a cancer support group in her hometown.

When we hear stories like this, we feel grateful that Diane’s book can inspire people to live more fully and (in her words) “more heartfully.” Diane would be thrilled to see the good works and deeds springing from her decision to be open about her whole cancer journey.

Becky

P.S. from Nancy:
Darien and Darius, who have never believed in guardian angels, have decided that Diane is now their guardian angel. Perhaps that’s because for the first time in their lives, they cried while reading a book.

New Legislation Restricts After Death Care

Many thanks to Richard Chin of the St. Paul Pioneer Press for his wonderful article of Oct. 14, “Keeping them close, one last time." We received positive feedback for the information about our family washing and dressing Diane after she died and accompanying her body to the crematorium.

A follow-up article by Richard Chin the next day focused on changes in Minnesota state laws, effective in August 2007, that make some of the experiences recounted in the “Keeping close” article illegal. These laws concern the preparation, viewing, and transportation of a body. All of them restrict the participation of family and friends in after-death care.

One change, for example, limits home viewing to immediate family members. If Diane had died today, only her husband Bill, children, and siblings would be able to view her unless she had written the names of others who could participate. Bill and Diane’s grandchildren, daughters-in-law, sisters and brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews, and dear friends would all be excluded without this document.

According to the Pioneer Press article, the force behind this legislation is the mortuary industry. As Jessica Mitford described in shocking detail decades ago in The American Way of Death, death is big business, and mortuary professionals have lots of influence.

As more and more people are taking care of their dying family members at home, it is interesting to see the legislature erecting roadblocks to after-death care of loved ones. Those of us who view death as a natural family event and not a medical emergency and who believe that families should be able to chose the extent to which morticians are involved will need to challenge this new unnecessary and intrusive legislation.

Becky

The Holiness of the Everyday

Last weekend my sister Vicki, Nancy, and I attended the 26th Annual Women & Spirituality Conference in Mankato, MN. Diane and Bill Manahan attended this conference many times during the 30 years they lived in Mankato. This year’s keynote speaker was Marge Piercy, author of 17 novels and several books of poetry. She spoke of the importance of transforming the language of the sacred since traditional prayers and liturgies ignore the holiness of the everyday as well as the experience of women. Images of shepherds and sheep may not be meaningful to people who have never seen a shepherd or a sheep!

Acknowledging the sacred in one’s day is also part of living fully and consciously. For example, appreciating the warmth of the partner lying next to you bed, the geese flying in V formation as they prepare to fly south, the pre-washed salad greens in our refrigerator, Bill raking the leaves, the copies of Diane’s book handed to a postal clerk and winding up in California days later.

In the spirit of acknowledging the holiness of everyday life, I want to pay tribute to our new garbage disposal. It feels miraculous to push table scraps down the kitchen drain and have them ground up with the flick of a switch. Thank you, to Vicki, for getting us used to your disposal last month in California, and to Bill for revealing that not having a disposal was the only thing he didn’t like about living with Nancy and me!

Becky

A Miraculous Shift

Nancy & I made a big decision last month. Our inventory of Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully: A Journey with Cancer and Beyond was getting low so we needed to print more books. But how many—2000? 3000? 4000?

As we edged into a five-figures price tag (we pay all book production costs), we gulped hard and put off the decision. Then Nancy talked with a friend who was part of her Living in Process training group. Carolyn said, “You know what I’d do? Print lots and give a bunch away. It’s the best way to spread the word.”

In a flash we knew that we should print 4000 and give books to agencies dealing with cancer, illness, living consciously, dying, and grieving. We (mostly I) had been so hung up on needing to break even on publishing the book that we (I) had forgotten the most important thing: Diane’s message of inspiration and hope. What better way to share Diane’s wisdom than to put the book into the hands of people who work with the ill and the dying!

We made the decision a week before we were to leave for California. With only one book event scheduled for our ten days there, the trip hardly seemed worth the effort. (One planned radio interview had fallen through.) Within 24 hours of deciding to donate books to agencies, three events sprang up.

My sister, Vicki, let us know that a class at the California Institute of Integral Studies was interested in a visit from us. We met with the teacher after we arrived, and that evening we spoke about Diane’s cancer journey to her Integrative Health Sciences class.

Next the program director of the Women’s Cancer Resource Center in Oakland invited us to visit the center. She also told us about the Charlotte Maxwell Complementary Clinic. We left a copy of Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully with each agency.

And, finally, we learned about the Bay Area Breast Cancer Navigation Conference, for people who help those diagnosed with cancer navigate the medical system. The coordinator of the conference invited us to set up a table, and we gave away 40 copies! (Actually, my sister, Vicki and I attended as Nancy was sick that day.)

Nancy & I marvel at how once we let go of our financial concerns, opportunities to share Diane’s journey opened up. The miracles continue!

Becky Bohan